Are you a high-performer at work?

Do you place high expectations on your Self and others?

Do you find it hard to ‘let go’ of stuff (work, arguments, the past, worrying about the future)?

Are you constantly thinking ‘what if’ and building up major life-shattering events in your head?

Do you live by ‘To Do’ lists?

Do you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about something a complete random stranger said to you back in 1997 and brainstorm awesome replies you should’ve responded with?

Do people tell you that they admire your confidence?

Welcome to my World! A world where my mind is constantly on the go and yoga and meditation are challenging, but necessary.

My poor body is sooooooo tired from feeling like a cast member of ‘The Walking Dead’, always running from the un-dead. My adrenal glands are pumping out cortisol to prepare my legs for flight and my arms for fight. And let’s not forget to add the hormonal imbalance of menopause with the moodiness, hot flushes and armpit hair falling out (not necessarily a bad thing!).

To look at me however, I look ‘normal’ (whatever that means!). I look like I have it all together. I’m getting results at work. I turn up every day looking alert and presentable. My house is clean and tidy. My family is fed and has clean, folded clothes to wear every day. My bills are paid. My social media photos show me smiling, and sometimes, even beaming.

This, my friends, is high-functioning mental illness at its best. Everyone else benefits from my anxiety, and whilst I do get some psychological relief due to feeling like I have some control, inside, I’m burning out. I’m exhausted. Drained. Miserable. Aching. Hurting. And let’s face it, do we ever REALLY have control?

And it’s getting harder and harder to keep the mask on. It’s getting harder and harder to live in a World with such a Yang energy, as I find myself desperately seeking and clutching for more Yin, more grounding, more feminine. More me.

At home, behind the scenes, my partner sees it all. I collapse, I cry and I’m berating myself for not having it all together. For being weak. I know all the things I SHOULD and SHOULDN’T be doing – right?

I work really hard at practising what I preach – but that’s exactly it – I WORK HARD at it, rather than just letting it be, letting it flow. I am my own worst critic and harder on me than anybody else is.

First I need to address the lack of good sleep. Minimal sleeps means my body’s not healing, repairing, restoring and digesting. I have really low energy levels and fatigue quickly. In my role as a group fitness instructor, that won’t cut it. My job is to motivate and inspire others to move their bodies, and that’s really hard to do when I can barely motivate myself!

So I finally relented and made an appointment with my GP, and after a big cry in her office, we agreed (very reluctantly on my part) I would take medication to help me sleep for one week to improve my sleeping pattern. Man!!! The first morning after taking my medication, I woke up so excited that I’d slept through, and whilst my body still has its aches and pains, and the grey bags are still hangin’ out under my eyes, I felt so much better!

Now on Day Six and actually looking forward to going to bed each night instead of feeling that dreaded anxiety of ‘here I go again…. another restless night of tossing and turning and trying to solve the World’s problems’…. I cut coffee and alcohol out (six and three weeks ago respectively), and this week I’m just going to take juices, smoothies and soups to give my digestion a bit of a break and also to give myself a big does of nutrients.

Of course I’ll continue with my meditation and yin yoga, and I’ve also been enjoying journaling. I’m ensuring I’m communicating with my partner so that I’m getting time to myself, allowing me quiet time and the opportunity to unplug, recharge and be a little selfish and not worry about everyone else’s needs.

So, here I am in all my vulnerable glory, saying that we don’t have to have it all together. I’m a glorious mess, learning and growing, and sharing my experiences in the hope that it reaches someone else, so they know that they are not alone in their anxiety.